promises come cheap, dear reader

Instant Justice

02 March 2015 by prick


Most drivers in Los Angeles have experienced the horrors of the 110 West through Downtown LA. Most specifically the point where the left lanes (110W) and the right lanes (off-ramps and on-ramps from the 101) come together. Smart drivers know that if you miss your chance to merge left, there is a dedicated off-ramp for the 110W you can use instead.

As most of us know, there’s always that one asshole who waits until the very last moment to move left in order to get on the 110W. They usually do this in some dramatic display that reenforces how important it is that they make this lane change, usually including them driving over the rough median.

On my way to work, I was a few cars behind a CHP cruiser as it was passing this hectic area of the freeway. The cruiser was in the right lane of the 110W with a line of cars to his right that were all presumably heading for the off-ramps ahead.

At the very last possible moment, a black SUV had their expected moment of panic and suddenly changed lanes (across the solid white lines) and found himself DIRECTLY in front of the CHP cruiser. The lights on the cruiser immediately lit up, as though the officer knew this would happen… because he did.

My laughter at this point was completely uncontrollable, as I have waited years to see this exact scenario play out and it finally did. As I passed the douchebag, I of course had to get a look at them to see what kind of idiot would pull such a stupid move. What did I find but a white guy driving while ACTIVELY texting on his phone.

This really made my day. I can only hope that the officer pointed out the off-ramp that would have saved him not only time, but now money.

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08 December 2013 by prick

So, Brian isn’t dead after all. In case you missed it, Family Guy had a plan all along and the internet fell for it.

While watching “Life of Brian” a few weeks ago, I was not moved by the death scene. Maybe it was the whole time machine plot point that caused me not to be affected by the scene, as I thought Stewie would just rebuild the time machine and bring Brian back.

Well, I wasn’t too far off, it seems. Though, it looks like Stewie will be using the magical power of Santa to bring back his best friend!

Something to keep in mind with these shows is that they are written and created months in advance. Which means the internet outrage that was sparked by the death of Brian must have caused the Family Guy writers to sit back in their expensive lounge chairs, light up a doobie and laugh.

I found the whole online petition to bring back Brian laughable myself. If you actually signed the petition, you should probably go outside and play in traffic. Seriously. You signed a petition (online, so it’s meaningless anyway) to resurrect a FICTIONAL CHARACTER that you did nothing to help create or develop. Think about that and take a moment to reflect on your priorities in life.

Please be sad that Brian is dead(ish). That’s great! Someone else’s art made you feel that way. It probably reminded you of your dead dog, or something else you have lost. Isn’t that amazing? That someone else’s art can have that powerful an effect on you? Yeah, well… remember the important part is that it’s SOMEONE ELSE’S.

And ultimately, what did all that complaining and petitioning do? Nothing, because they were going to bring Brian back anyway. But, I for one have enjoyed the break.

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Brian the Dog

26 November 2013 by prick


Seth McFarlane killed his dog. Well really, he killed our dog, as Brian had become the epitome of the anthropomorphized canine we’ve always wanted. While this plot-twist in the Family Guy universe is sad for anyone who agrees that Brian was the truest character on the show, it’s also about time.

The problem with Brian on the show is that he is essentially just Seth in dog form. Seth didn’t choose a different voice for this character, so it allowed him to make Brian the singer and the performer. But, when you’re over-exposed to Seth’s voice on TV and movies that aren’t Family Guy, it gets a little tiring. TED was a great example of this, as Seth just used a thicker accent than normal, but was essentially re-creating Brian for the big screen. TED was a drunk, womanizing, anthropomorphized teddy bear. Not a huge leap from Brian in the end.

Through your tears, and beating your fists against the TV, remember that Brian was a dog. Dogs live about 10 years, on average, and Brian lasted 11. We will miss him dearly, but knowing what we know about animated shows, this likely isn’t the last we’ve seen of our animated best friend.

Vinne may be annoying, but is his accent really any worse than Lois’s?

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Droid X! Or, why I don’t have an iPhone

15 July 2010 by prick

It’s Droid X Day!! I was so excited that I drove down to my local Verizon Wireless store this morning to join the crowds and get my early upgrade. When I arrived, a customer service agent let me know that since my free upgrade wasn’t until Jan 2011, I wasn’t going to be eligible for an upgrade! Oh no!

Dejected, I headed outside and called 611 on my cell. I was connected to a Verizon agent, working on his day off, who let me know that I DID qualify for a rebate-based early-upgrade discount! That’s all I really wanted, anyway, so I was elated! He said I could order it from him, so I asked if the same deal would be available in-store (since I am impatient and didn’t want to wait for shipping). He said yes, but that he would just waive the shipping and deliver overnight if I bought from him right then. To which I replied, “yes, please!”

At this point, I was already a happy customer. Then, he waived my early upgrade fee, too! Now I was really happy, but a little worried because I didn’t really want to pay the whole cost today. Tomorrow, yes. When it came time for the payment, he said I could pay now, or defer it to my monthly bill! Meaning I didn’t have to drop a dime today to get my new Droid X shipped overnight!

When I am asked why I don’t have an iPhone, my answer is Verizon. Not only do they provide me with coverage in my apartment (something AT&T cannot do), they just seem to give a crap about whether I am a happy customer. That’s something I NEVER experienced with Cingular/AT&T. So, while I enjoy using my iPod Touch and can see why people like iPhones so much, I can’t get behind Apple with their decision to limit themselves to AT&T.


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good to be a cop these days…

06 August 2009 by prick

It must be good to be a police officer these days, compared to when cops — oh, i dunno — actually had to do police work? These days, cops can complete an entire day of work by parking in one spot and waiting for people to break the law around them! So much easier than actually having to seek out offenders. I’m really happy that cops have it so easy now, because I would hate to think they were exerting themselves too much for their job. I mean, they might hurt themselves and then who will protect the streets from people who exceed the posted speed limit for 2 seconds? Those safe drivers that are attempting to get away from slow, possibly more dangerous drivers — they’re a real menace.

Keep up the great work! Oh… and I’ll see you in court, you lazy speedtrap-setting cocksucker.

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futurama needs you!

13 February 2009 by prick

In case you’ve been under a rock, Futurama has been back in action for over a year — in the form of 4 direct-to-DVD movies!!

futurama_bendersbigscore futurama_thebeastwithabillionbacks futurama_bendersgame futurama_intothewildgreenyonder

The only way Comedy Central will give them the chance to make regular seasons for TV again is if the DVD sales for the movies do well. So, it’s time to help bring back a show that should never have been canceled! Buy the DVDs!

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hitch a ride on the burning man

15 August 2008 by prick

I just love you to death
So you promised for life
Just hope my intentions hold sway
From this place that I stand
Im afraid of such plans
Things never turn out my way
Its this duality
Thought to reality
Some bug will get in the way
Some days it feels
That I will never find land
Just spin around on the wheel
Wave hello
Shame we wont stay
Wave hello
Shame we wont stay
Weve been here before
And well meet here again
When we go through the end of the line
So love me to death
Stand by you in life
A love that’s tested in time
Welcome aboard the burning man
Hitch a ride on the burning man
Shame we wont stay

– Tim Booth, “Wave Hello”

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