got stones? part I

WARNING – This account uses words like penis, urination, testicle, vomiting, stones and dilaudid. Read at your own risk.

My week began with an unfortunate discovery. Monday, I went out shopping for some new clothes. I ended up buying some new shirts and 2 new pairs of shoes. As I headed to Jack in the Box for lunch, I realized that I had to pee. I decided to head home directly and not go get cigarettes as I had originally planned. So, I went home. It was at this time that my right testicle began to feel sore. I didn’t think anything of it and went on about my day.

At 9pm, I had some friends over to watch 24 on Fox. A few minutes into the show, my testicle and my abdomen began to hurt a lot more. I thought it was nothing and attributed it to the Tommy’s chili burger I had eaten for dinner. I figured I had indegestion. By the end of the show, I was in some serious pain. I sent my friends on their way and told them I would try to meet up with them later. I was so wrong.

I hopped in the bath in the hopes that the warm water would make my stomach feel better. At this point, I had obviously checked myself over for any abnormalities like lumps or swelling and had found nothing. After the bath I tried to take care of what I thought was indegestion in the only way one can. I sat on the pot after eating a number of Tums tablets.

When that was over, I rolled around on my bed in a lot of pain, as the pain had now spread to my back. Of course, at this point, I didn’t truly realize that this was my kidney that was hurting. I was still working on the hypothesis that it was the food I had eaten. So, at this point, I forced myself to vomit (something that surely would have happened anyway, from the amount of pain I was in). This yeilded no pain relief, so I asked my Mother to take me to the hospital. This choice was not easy considering I do not currently possess any health insurance. Knowing that it was going to cost a fortune, we headed to Huntington Hospital at around 11:30pm on Monday night.

I went through the long check-in process and waited my turn in the waiting room. They took me into Triage and checked me out. They had me pee in a cup, which was a task in itself, not because it was painful to pee, it just took some doing to get the pee going. Then, they took me to a room where I was checked over by a doctor, after changing into the very fashonable smock they provided. The doctor handled my business and pressed around on my abdomen. He said that he couldn’t find anything abnormal. So, they were going to take some blood and test my urine.

The nurse came in and sucked out some of my blood, a process I couldn’t bring myself to watch. Next, another nurse came in and started me on an IV. Again, not something I am fond of, as it involves the use of needles. In the end, it wasn’t so bad and they started me on a saline drip. At this point in my ordeal my pain had worsened. The nurse gave me a 2mg dose of Morphine, which provided a neat little head rush, but did nothing to quell the throbbing pain in my loins. I was given 2 more doses of Morphine, each 4mg. Each time, I felt slightly better and the pain had somewhat subsided after the second 4mg dose.

The doctor had informed me that they didn’t find anything unusual in my urine sample. He believed at this time that I was suffering from Appendicitis and that I would need surgery. However, he needed to confirm this with a CT scan. For the scan, I had to drink down a Contrast liquid. The liquid was clear and had a very unfortunate chalky taste. Also unfortunate about the Contrast was that I had to drink a whole bottle of it in cup-sized portions every half-hour for 2 hours leading up to the scan itself.

When the bottle was gone, they wheeled me off to Radiology and slid me into this giant donut shaped Toshiba CT Scanner. Turns out that along with the Contrast that I had to drink, they needed to inject me with Iodine through my IV. The guy warned me that the Iodine might feel weird going through me and that I might have a bad taste in my mouth. Both were true. The scan took only a few minutes and I was on my way back to my room.

When I got back, I immediately needed to pee again. I went to the bathroom and came back to my bed when I was suddenly overcome with the most intense pain I had ever experienced. I was rolling about on the bed when my Mom came in and found me crying out. She told the nurse that my pain was severe and that I needed something to calm it down. As I waited for the nurse to check with the doctor, the pain got worse. By this point, I was crying and moaning because it was so intense.

The nurse came in with a syringe and told me that she was giving me Dilaudid, a much more powerful pain medication. She injected it into the IV and I didn’t feel anything right away. A few moments later, I was calm and I had stopped crying. The medication had taken effect and I was lost in a daze of pleasant feelings. This was the most powerful pain reliever I had ever experienced. Where Morphine only really dulled my brain, this drug had numbed my entire body. Spectacular waves of good sensation were crashing over me and I was feeling wonderful. The pain in my abdomen had entirely disappeared.

This is where my memory gets a bit cloudy, as the Dilaudid put me into a fantastic haze of pleasure and sleepiness. What I do remember is that soon after being dosed, I was unbelievably queasy. Not too long after I first felt queasy, I vomited up all the contrast liquid. Some made it into the container I was holding, but a lot of it made it to the floor and the small table next to my bed. It felt really good to get it all up, but at the same time, I knew I wasn’t going to lose the queasy feeling for quite a while.

This is when I was admitted to the hospital. I was wheeled up to the 6th floor and given a nice, large, private room with a television and a bathroom. The Dilaudid was still in effect and I was feeling great, except for the vomiting, which continued for a while. I was vomiting so much that all that was coming up was yellow bile.

While in this new room, I was kept pain free with a multitude of Dilaudid doses and offered some amount of food in liquid form. I still couldn’t keep any of it down. I was visited by some friends and many stone-related jokes were made. See, it was revealed by my CT scan when I was still in the ER that I indeed had Kidney Stones. I had one in each Kidney and one on its way out. The one in my left kidney was just floating around, but the one in the right was stuck in the tube leading out. That was the one causing me all the pain.

I was made to pee into a sieve that would collect the stones should they pass. I was kept on the wonderful drugs all day and that night, after everyone who was visiting me left, I passed out watching American Idol. I woke at around 6am when a nurse came to take some more of my blood. She pricked my finger and milked it to fill 2 vials. I had been asleep for 9 hours and I was very groggy. I fell asleep and awoke to some food and at some point, an x-ray. I had given up trying to remember anyone’s name in that place because it seemed that every person that came in was someone I hadn’t met yet. Either that, or I had met them, but I was too drugged up to remember.

Different doctors came in and all told me that I would just have to pass the stones, but if that didn’t happen they could go in and remove them. The Urologist advised me that the passing could be done at home and if it didn’t happen in a few days, I could come back in and get the procedure. I had been without a cigarette for over 30 hours and the idea of getting out of there was appealing. Not to mention the insane cost for me to be there and my fear of becoming addicted to the Dilaudid.

I advised the nurse that I wanted to check out of the hospital. I called my Mom and she came down to get me. Unfortunately, the doctor had not signed a release order, so they had to track him down and get him to write one up. This would take some time, so my Mom left. They dosed me again with the Dilaudid (hell, I had to get my fill while I was still there, that shit was gooooood) and I went to sleep. A few hours later, a friend showed up just in time to take me home, as the doctor had signed the release.

They gave me prescriptions for Vicodin and Flowmax, gave me the peeing sieve and sent me on my way. I rebelled against their attempt to check my personal belongings and transport me to the outside world and just took off. My first cigarette was wonderful and getting home was even better. I knew that I would have to endure the passing of the stones, but not being tied to an IV and being able to smoke made it all worth it.

Now, it is 2 days later and I have passed what appear to be 2 Kidney Stones. However, the passing of the stones (sounds like some JRR Tolkein novel) wasn’t painful. I was on a shitload of Vicodin when it happened, so that’s probably why it was so easy, but they just kinda came out.

Tomorrow, I will be taking the stones to the doctor so they can study them and tell me why they were there and how to prevent them in the future. I believe that the 2 stones are the one from my right kidney and the one lodged in my tubing. The one in my left kidney is probably still floating around and I won’t have to deal with it for a while yet.

This ordeal has gotten me closer to being over my fear of needles, as I had to have my IV moved from one arm to another, whcih included a failed attempt in one of my hands which left me with a pretty bruise. Also, I am one step closer to knowing what Herion must feel like, as Dilaudid is an Opiate that is sometimes used to get people off of Heroin. In addition, I can now say that I have a pretty good idea what menstrual cramps and child-birth feel like. So, when I say that I feel your pain, I really do.

Thank you for all the people who came to visit me in my drug-addled state and to everyone who called to check up on me. I am grateful to know that I was in so many people’s hearts while I was in there. I hope that this horrible week’s pain is over for a while and won’t return soon.

Finally, please comment and share any stories you have from my experience that I have left out due to my foggy memory of the past few days. Not only for the amusement of my readers, but also so I can try to piece together the fragments of conversations and events that are all scattered about my head.